Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
