I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
