is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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