I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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