They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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