Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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