She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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