The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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