You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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