Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
