Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My cat gives me a boner
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
