high people should be assigned attendants
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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