come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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