i think my mom watched the whole time
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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