So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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