so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
