I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
