I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
