I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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