I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
