I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Sober January is a disaster.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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