cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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