I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
