I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
