I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
