11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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