We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
