six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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