I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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