I am puke
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
