I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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