dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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