why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
