I want to have your abortion
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
