i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
