I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
