I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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