Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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