I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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