Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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