I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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