my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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