I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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