apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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