Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
