Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
