I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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