My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
