I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
