I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
